


The Breaking Point

by orphan_account



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 13:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The breaking point is everyone's worst fear; except Harry because he's already there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Breaking Point

**Author's Note:**

> I wouldn't read this if you can't handle suicide, self-harm, or eating disorders. Short sad fic but I hope you enjoy.

“The breaking point is everyone’s worst fear,” Harry said bluntly to the older man sitting in front of him. The man wrote down his words and then looked up again with his eyebrows crossed a little bit.

“And what is the breaking point?” He asked.

“The breaking point… You know when after something happens—something really extreme and horrible that for days you wake up and it’s hard for you to even breathe, or when sometimes you cry for what seems to be no reason at all but is plainly memories that you thought you forgot but were suddenly reminded of and then soon enough you just wonder why anything even matters at all,” Harry explained while staring out the window. “That’s the breaking point. The point when you realize that all that you really want is utterly unatainable because yout entire world has already been shattered; then one day you wake up and feel absolutely nothing.

“So, do you think you’ve reached this point?”

He thought about itfor a moment.

He could remember every part of Louis so clearly. The way that they had first met in the bathroom on the X-Factor show. Not paying attention when he was walking in, Louis crashed right into Harry sending him flying to the ground. Apologizing quickly Louis extended a hand to help him up off the ground, his cheeks tinted pink with embarrassment. All Harry had to do was look into Louis bright blue eyes and was instantly attracted. Harry stared at him as he rambled on about how stupid he was for not looking while walking. He hadn’t really known if Louis felt the same way but after that Harry couldn’t get go more than a minute without thinking about him and the way his blue eyes peered at him under the thick line of eyelashes. It was driving him insane and even though Harry had always been charming and confident the thought of running into Louis made him nervous and shy.

Later on the show, Louis had reluctantly walked up to Harry and introduced himself with a smile. Harry had felt a thousand tiny butterflies when Louis pulled him in for a hug and told him not to worry about having to go home because he was an amazing singer and Louis didn’t doubt that he would go all the way to the end of the competition. Harry pulled a charming smile and said thank you making Louis’ narrow eyes pull up as he smiled a wide toothy grin.

Little did they both know that they would both continue on to the end together. After initially being told they were going home, they all waited on the steps with heavy hearts, believing this was the end of the road and that there was nothing coming for them in the future. Soon after though, to their surprise, they were rushed back in and told that they were instead going to be given a choice, be together in a group or leave the competition. Being told they could stay in the competition made all five of them jump and smile genuinely out of pure happiness. Without a second thought, Harry rushed over and pulled Louis into his arms, lifting him off the ground. They were both trembling with happiness as they told the judges that they would give the band a go, definitely not ready to go home. He and Louis became very best friends after that.

Louis had been the one to instigate their first kiss, the two of them talking up in their room when Louis took Harry by surprise, leaning in until their lips brushed together hesitantly. Harry leaned in and the kiss went from shock to instinct becoming soft and careful. The boys sat a while together after that. Their hands intertwined and Louis head against Harry’s shoulder.

Soon after thinking of themselves as more than friends and it hadn’t taken long for others to notice that there was something more going on between them. They were almost inseparable, spending every moment of everyday together giggling and laughing. They took the time to discretely touch each other in the simplest of ways possible so the viewers at home wouldn’t notice. Harry even caught himself a couple of times staring at Louis as he spoke wanting to just lean in and kiss him like they had done in secret but then he remembered that they were on camera, turning his attention back to the lens, nodding as if he was paying attention.

Their relationship had been perfect in Harry’s eyes and he could feel himself starting to fall head over heels in love with the Doncaster boy. To him, life was never going to get better because he already felt like he were on top of the world as long as Louis was by his side. He remembered the way that it felt to hold Louis’ hand which was always the perfect temperature, unlike his which were always very cold. He also remembered the way that when they slept together their bodies fit perfectly together like a puzzle. He remembered how blue Louis’ eyes where and how ever time he looked into them he would get lost in the various shades of blue. He remembered his smile, and especially the way it made him feel.

Harry could go on forever about the things that made Louis more than special to him than any other person he’d encountered in his life. Harry figured they were soul mates because the way they felt for each other was so natural and the bond between them was so strong. There wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t do for Louis. Nor anytime that he didn’t want to be with him or wasn’t thinking about him. They made plans with each other to move in together even if they didn’t win the competition. Harry knew where he wanted his life to go from then on and he knew that where ever Louis was, he would be right there with him.

Harry had made Louis is world but things suddenly stopped spinning upon the accident.

He knew Louis had problems but a lot of the time Louis seemed so happy that Harry forgot about them. The older boy always seemed to have a smile plastered on his face. Real or fake it was always there, especially around other people. Louis seemed to cover up his feeling with simple jokes and mockery making him one of the funniest people Harry had ever met. He found Louis hurt himself when he had seen his arms before and shuddered at the terrible condition they remained in. They had been cut up and down, leaving small pink lines across his soft white skin. It made Harry sad but it wasn’t like him to pry. He figured that Louis would talk about them when he was ready and Harry forced himself to accept that.

Louis’ mom called him early in the morning over Christmas break in hysterics trying to explain there had been a terrible accident. Nervously, Harry tried his hardest to calm her down, and when she finally managed to choke out through broken sobs what Louis had done, Harry could help but break down in tears himself. She explained how the family had left Louis alone, only for a few hours or so, and when they arrived back home, they were greeted with Louis lying down on the bathroom floor, blood dripping from his wrist. He had cut too deep, the blood rushed out of his body almost like a tidal wave when he accidentally sliced through the major artery, or they believed was an accident because no sort of suicide note had been left.

Harry’s knees buckled below him, sending him falling to the ground, the phone slipping through his fingers and landing somewhere nearby. He couldn’t breathe, his chest tightening, he felt like someone reached through his chest and was squeezing his lungs.

For hours he laid on the floor in his bedroom where he had received the news before his mom came in and found him. Harry had cried, hyperventilated, shook, and he even refused to believe that Louis was gone.

There was no way this could have happened. Louis loved me. He would never do this to me. He wouldn’t leave me so suddenly without a goodbye.

But now all he could ask himself was, What am I supposed to do now? Go on? Harry hadn’t even considered that an option because now that Louis was taken from him, nothing would ever be the same. Harry didn’t even think he would ever be happy again. Happiness had died in that bathroom along with the only person he’d ever known to love.

Harry’s world had completely crumbled around him, and normally when something like this happened, there was that one person to make him feel better about it, but now that person was the reason it had happened, and they were no longer here to fix him.

For days Harry didn’t get out of bed, not because he didn’t want to but because he physically couldn’t. It seemed to be days before he was able to move his legs again.

Each day Harry told himself, it was going to be a better day but as the sun set in the horizon nothing had changed from the day before. Louis was still gone and Harry was still miserable. He felt stuck. His life wasn’t moving forward and it definitely wasn’t moving backward. It was at a complete standstil.

Life had begun to take control of him rather than the other way around. He tried to take control for himself. He managed a week of not eating, choosing not to go downstairs when his mother called him. His stomach growled at him but he refused to listen. His body ached and even when he accidentally bumped into something it caused him severe pain. He couldn’t even take showers without cringing in pain. Harry had lost 13 pounds in one week before he passed out in the bathroom. He woke up in the hospital a day later. Once released he tried again.

This time he controlled a deeper pain. He took a razor blade from his step dad’s shaving drawer and gently glided it across his wrist. He closed his eyes tight, breathed out hard, and pressed down. A shot of pain rushed over him and soon enough he felt numb, letting the blood drip from his veins down the sink in his bathroom. He watched it with interest as the intense red dripped off his fingers slowly. This pain was stronger and left him with such a rush. He felt so alive.

For weeks he followed out this same routine with the desire for death amplified in his mind. One day his mother called him down to help make lunch and feeling a a little more energetic from his meds then usual he agreed and bounced downstairs to the kitchen. His mom had him cut up vegetables with a kitchen knife when the sleeve of his shirt slipped a little above one of his cuts. His mother looked twice before she grabbed his arm and lifted up his sleeve more to show more cuts all in a row up his arm. He stared at her as she cried with guilt. He didn’t mean to hurt her. If only she could see that it helped him.

She made him go to a psychiatrist after that although he had seen no point in it. But to make her happy he went every Wednesday and sat across from a “doctor who was going to help him with his pain”. Harry hated everything about therapy. He hated the small room that they sat in. He hated the mediocre art that was framed and hung on the walls. He hated the uncomfortable couch that he had to sit on. He hated the way his therapist looked and the way he talked. But he swallowed his hatred for therapy and went for his mother’s sake.

Sometimes they talked about Harry’s day but Harry made it a point not to talk about Louis. He didn’t want to think about him anymore. He wanted all the good memories to go away because those were the ones that hurt him the most. He wanted to forget what Louis’ laugh sounded like. He wanted to get over the way that his warmth next to him was so comfortable that even on hot days he didn't mind the closeness. It hurt to remember the way that they could do nothing together but stay so content and the way that when they left each other for a couple of minutes Louis would kiss him gently on the cheek. He tried to forget the memories of Louis’ jokes and sarcasm and the laughter they shared with each other. They kept him up all night and made him so emotionally unstable that he would cry with no warning.

He felt guilty about trying to erase Louis from his memory but it’s not like it worked anyway. He always seemed to remember everything that had to do with Louis even without trying.

Sometimes he could go an hour before seeing a shirt that looked like one Louis had owned. Or hearing a laugh that resembled Louis’. It seemed the simplest things could cause Harry to have a meltdown in the middle of everything. Because of this he had started a new habit of burning instead of cutting. It was more discrete, he thought. He could hide it better anyway.

He used a lighter to heat up a ring and then quickly set it down on his thigh. The pain washed over him and then left him feeling with a terrible feeling in his stomach. Soon the rush and feeling of control went away. He realized that he had lost any control he once felt.

Then one day Harry woke up one morning feeling nothing at all. His life came in and out of focus as he pushed himself to live it; the point never remaining clear to him. Until soon he realized the point had been totally forgotten. He realized now that it was okay for him to die. He had reached the breaking point.

“I don’t think that’s the question,” Harry said focusing his attention again to what was happening around him.

“Hm,” the therapist said writing that down. “What do you think is the question then?”

“The question isn’t have I reached the breaking point but what will I do now that I have,” he said quite honestly.

“So, what will you do having had reached the breaking point?”

“Wither away because now I lack all the necessary energy to even kill myself,” he said turning his whole body so he could face his therapist. “Or more simply, I’ve lost my will to live.”


End file.
